My Perspective
by geradsredskittle666
Summary: Buffy is still angry and wants her friends to know just how much they hurt her. She knows just how to show them. Warnings: Revenge, Suicide attempt, Depression, Toxic friends, Toxic family, plutonic affection between Buffy and Giles. Pairings: Giles/Buffy as father/daughter bond. Spoilers: S3Ep2 Dead mans party.


My Perspective

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all its characters and trademarks are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Twentieth Century Fox and any unmentioned that I may have forgotten to list. I write this work for entertainment and make no money off it in any compacity. I do not intend to make profit from this work.

Pairings: Giles/Buffy as father/daughter bond

Warnings: Revenge, Suicide attempt, Depression, Toxic friends, Toxic family, plutonic affection between Buffy and Giles.

Summary: Buffy is still angry and wants her friends to know just how much they hurt her. She knows just how to show them.

Spoilers: S3Ep2 Dead mans party

AN: Set during S3Ep2 Dead mans party. I wrote this because the way her friends and mother treated her made me so angry I had to express it! Also, there is no way I am buying that Buffy just made up with them so easily! So, feeling the desire to avenge her, I wrote this.

START

The zombies vanished and she relaxed again. She had done her job. She should have been concerned at how literal she felt that. Protecting innocents was her job. She had done that. She tried to muster some positive feeling when she saw her 'friends' and 'family'. All she found was a cold icy feeling that swept through her. They had just been piling accusation after accusation on her just before the zombies had shown. And now she was forgiven?!

The coldness in her heart turned into a calculated anger. They had been accusing her of hurting them, but had they asked how she had been hurt? How it had hurt before she left after killing the one she loved? Or how it had hurt after she had returned when they had all avoided her? Made her feel so unwelcome she had actually considered running again? They had just thought about themselves!

And they had the gall to actually forgive her now? They had the gall to assume she would return the feeling? It made her angry. A cold clarity came, she knew what to do. She had to demonstrate her true feelings to them in a way they couldn't ignore. In a way that would give them pause if they assumed she would just take their crap anymore. She was so over it.

She observed their apologies coldly but acted the part. She needed some distance. She needed to be alone. So she would "forgive" to get them off her back. When she was done she gave them all a tired smile. "Not that I don't want to spend some quality one on one time with all of you, but can it wait until I have had some sleep?" she asked innocently. They bought it and let her go to her room.

Finally, she was alone. She heard Giles excuse himself and leave. She heard the others start cleaning up and patching up what they could. Her bag, packed, still sat on the bed. She emptied the clothes out and filled it with her slayer gear, then slipped a small knife under all that. She slid the bag under her bed and turned the lights out, pretending to be asleep.

She waited until she heard the rest of them leave. Her mother came in check on her, leaving when she was satisfied Buffy was resting. Soon the house was silent and she seized her chance and slipped out. She heard a car and kept walking, hoping that they wouldn't notice or care. Unluckily, it was Giles. She didn't have the energy or will to lie to him, so she just glared.

Of course he thought he could fix this. Her watcher was amazing but he needed to realise he couldn't fix all of her problems. "Buffy! Please tell me your not running again. I couldn't bare it." he spoke, sounding so heartbroken she almost gave up her plans.

She gave him a thin smile. "I know your telling the truth. Its a shame it has to end this way." She answered regretfully.

He looked confused and scared. "I don't understand. Can we just talk? I know I have been busy with everything going on but I meant to visit you. I really did. I didn't want to upset your mother. I...its a lousy excuse but...I'm not sure it matters." he pleaded.

She paused. "What about my mother?" she asked sharply. Why did he keep things from her like this?!

He seemed suddenly relieved, like he hadn't expected her to actually reply. "I went looking for you. When I failed to find you, I went to inform your mother. She told me she blamed me for your departure. That I was taking you away from her. I was thinking that maybe she was right. I have been taking up much of your time and between slaying and school there is precious little of it. I have been reluctant to take you away from her company since then. I guess I should have at least try to call but..." he explained, before suddenly stopping. He looked defeated now, the emotions open on his face. "What have I done? Everyone else had such charged emotions for you and I didn't even ask if you were okay. Me, your watcher. The only one who wasn't angry." he spoke to himself, sounding so full of guilt that she felt bad for a moment.

She hadn't known about her mothers treatment of him. If she had known she would have made time for him. Maybe visited more or called. She was old enough to decide for herself who she shared her time with. She wasn't an item that could be shared or not shared at anothers will. She was human. She made her own decisions. It was like the divorce all over again. She didn't need or want a mother and father fighting over her. She wasn't a child! She needed a mother who could support her and who she could talk to. She needed Giles to be there and help her when it mattered.

She hadn't known that he wasn't disappointed in her. He wouldn't have been angry but disappointment was worse. She had run from her duty and left innocents to take up the task. It was a miracle no one had died. She didn't consider herself innocent here. She had fucked up. But she was trying to unfuck it. Why couldn't they see that? He had left her with awkward brief moments of polite but meaningless chatter and radio silence...what was she supposed to think?

She wanted to tell him it was okay. That she was fine. That she didn't feel these "charged emotions" had hurt her more than any mortal wound. More than killing her love.

She couldn't lie. By the end of the night, the slayer would be dead and Giles would be planning for his new charge. She turned around and walked on, ignoring the pain she felt. After all, wasn't it her turn? After all she had done and all she had saved and all the nightmares...wasn't she owed this? Her only shot at true happiness?

Giles watched her walk away, all too aware of what she was planning. He had noticed her act at the house. He had seen her anger. Her need for revenge. Her need to be free of all her pain. She must have suffered terribly to make her want to run away. She had suffered again when she had returned at the hands of those she called friends and family. In her time as slayer, she had seen and personally experienced many traumatic things. She had experienced personal events that had made her suffer like the fights between her parents before their divorce.

He still didn't want to lose her. He was still in a position to help her. He had seen her eyes, she wasn't angry with him. She was just hurt. She didn't feel the need to make him suffer. To make her feelings heard. Back at her party everything had been about _them_ and not her. Her head was overwhelmed with her own feelings. Her own hurt that had been ignored. No, discarded like it was worthless. It was no wonder she had a burning urge to make her next act all about _her_. She had been left on her own too long.

He would help her. He felt his guilt and helplessness subside. He would help her see that someone was on her side. He would help them see that they had been torturing a girl that was already doing a good enough job of that herself. He would see her through this tough time, and her overwhelming feelings would slowly fade away.

He got in his car and drove to the library. She would end things where they had began, of that he was sure.

She looked around the library, as memories of the good times with her friends played. Memories of her faithful watcher taking careful care of her wounds. Memories of her faithful watcher soothing her emotional pains.

Memories of before she had ran. Before she had been forced to kill Angel. Before her friends and mother had turned on her. It seemed like a different world, as she might have just been dreaming all these bad things up. She let her tears fall and allowed her tears to turn into sobs. She wanted to say she was sorry, but she wasn't. They _needed_ to know how she had suffered. How _she_ felt about all this.

She took the small blade from her bag, admiring it in the light. She had expected to find this difficult. To have to overcome some deep seated desire to live.

She found it easy. She knew what she wanted.

"BUFFY!" she heard Giles yell.

She paused. He was the only one she wanted to live for. He caught sight of the blade so close to her wrist and looked terrified. He couldn't even form words, so he just ran to her and took the blade from her hands. He kicked the blade away and pulled her close. He was shaking as much as she was. He still couldn't form words. She wasn't much better either.

The pair must have been there for at least an hour before she could finally react. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." she whispered like a martyr. A prayer for forgiveness.

He didn't move but replied. "It wasn't your fault. I should have said something. They should have been able to see past their anger. Your mother should have had more faith in you. I can't imagine the torment. You are the only one not at fault." he promised fiercely.

She found the words gave her comfort. She had been treated like the one with the problem, and she wasn't saying she was innocent here but he was right. She was being blamed for something that she didn't have control over her. Not once did she lash out at them. She had only tried to make them see her point of view. She had only become angry because they had not listened. She knew all this was true, just like she knew her watcher would always have her back.

Some of her anger faded, she was still angry but she no longer wanted revenge. She just wanted to sleep. "Giles?" she asked, her voice sounding small and girl like.

He released her, but kept an arm around her waist. He looked intently into her eyes, before relaxing slightly. "Yes?" he prompted.

"I can't face them. Not for a while. I'm tired. Its too much. Can I stay with you?" she asked, her voice breaking.

He nodded. "Of course. I must admit I am tired myself. And we have so far to go. It would be nice to rest up." he answered wearily.

She looked down, "Are you angry at me?" she asked, childlike.

He let out a hoarse laugh. "No. I couldn't be. You gave me a good fright but I can't be angry. I was scared. I am scared. I don't want to lose you. Your precious. To me. I can help you. I want to help you. If thats what you want, of course. I'm the only one left who can." he answered with difficulty.

She warily studied his face before nodding. "Home?" she asked, her voice still sounding small.

He smiled back "I think that is an excellent idea." he replied.


End file.
